What is this creative blog becoming?
Lately, it is moving toward a personal journal of reflections. I guess that is what happens when you do not have your art supplies to post about...
This past month I have had really bad hip and neck pain. I have not done yoga regularly since the beginning of summer and decided that I could put it off no longer. (Resistance always kicks my butt!) As I lay there on the floor (no yoga mat) after all the gentle stretching and a lot of movements that involved opening and stretching my throat, I was suddenly flooded with emotion and tears. All these memories flashed in my mind of stupid things I did in high school and college. I felt so bad for the people I hurt back then. To be fair, it was nothing more than the immature dramatics of a 19 or 20 year old girl dating or trying to feel better about herself. I was playing at relationships - playing the part of a soap opera actress!
But, as I lay there starting to beat myself up again, I had a small shift. Something told me to quit thinking about it, forgive, myself and let it go.
How many times have I beat myself up for something that someone else may not even remember? How many times have I tamped down my joy because my sadistic ego throws these memories at me randomly and I beat myself up all over again? How many times? Too many to count. Does that happen to you? Are you sailing along and then you get assaulted with the guilt of some past transgression that in the scheme of life does not even matter anymore? These are the things that eat at my self worth.
BUT today, I had a small shift. Instead of the usual shame spiral, this time I told myself it was okay. If I am going to be open to receiving more love in my life I have to also be open to more self love. "It is okay. Forgive yourself!" I thought. And the tears became a release I could feel in the tension that was melting out of my neck.
Would I beat either of my young daughters up for the next twenty years for some stupid mistake? No, I would say "You were young, you were just learning how to be an adult. Look at you now! Look how far you have come and what a good person you are." So I did myself the same favor this morning. The 45 year old mother in me told the 19 year old child in me to forgive myself and let it go. Then I did.
I also thought about the wrongs that were done to me at that time. I honestly could not feel any anger or harbor any bad feelings toward those people either. They were forgiven long ago. I always knew at the time we were all just doing the best we could do and muddling through adolescence. I am sorry it took me so long to forgive myself for things that I readily forgave in other people. Ahhh! Deep breath, I forgive myself for being young and stupid. I let myself off the hook and I am now officially moving on!
Is that just the way of things? Are we willing to look over things in others that we judge ourselves so harshly by? We could save ourselves so much trouble and hurry the process along for everyone if we just reversed things a bit.
Generosity, forgiveness and love to ourselves first = generosity, forgiveness and love to others!
As they always caution on airplanes, you are supposed to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others. If we did that in life we would probably do a lot less damage to other people - You know– lack of oxygen causes brain damage...