Women have always been taught to be “good” little girls
As I reflect on my life I see that a lot of my decisions have been made out of the fear of not being judged as good. For many of us, being good means you have to please everyone else. There are many examples of women self-sacrificing and playing small in life. Those choices made by people I look up to influence me the same way that my actions influence countless other people. If it is something that has been ingrained in us from childhood, how can we even realize when we are falling victim to it?
I am thinking of my great-aunt Ladean. We called her Aunt Dee Dee. She was a beautiful, modern, world traveler and independent business woman. My young Dad and his sisters looked at her with starry-eyed admiration. She was a beacon of accomplishment, DeeDee’s example said - “Look at me! This is what you can be too.”
I remember Aunt Dee Dee telling me once that when she was young she would go to the movies and watch films like “Three Coins in a Fountain” or “Roman Holiday” and they called her to explore the world. In the 1950’s and 1960’s she worked as a chemist at Dupont and owned her own restaurant. She led tour groups all over Europe. She and a friend had matching dinnerware and crystal and would pool their china to throw epic dinner parties for their friends. She was a woman ahead of her time standing in considerable power. She was doing “good.”
At some point in the 1970’s she was called back home to help her sister care for their ailing mother because she would not go into a nursing home. Home nursing care was not as common back then and there were probably other factors at play as well. Ladean was a successful, single woman that stepped back from her independent life to be “good.” Her coming back home sent a subtle message “Look at me, you have to do this too.” She became a school teacher and a care-taker. Of all the choices to be made, she chose to shrink down and do her duty. Her duty was to be a good daughter and good sister.
If you were to ask her, I am sure she would have said she had a good life. But when I was growing up I never got the feeling that she actually did. She always seemed to me to be unhappy deep inside, maybe even a little bit angry. She was always a kind and gentle person but never joyful.
As I look back at her now, I see that she was naturally a “giver”. Much of her life was rooted in service to others. To own a restaurant or to entertain groups of people on their vacation you have to have a heart for service. When she was serving in ways that her own heart instigated she brought much joy and happiness to people and accomplished many things. I witnessed her start a charitable group to support a young woman and her family that had gone through multiple organ transplants. She spear-headed charities at her church. She visited and cared for elderly people. She organized vital social gatherings for the seniors in her area for as long as she could. She nurtured countless stray animals. She was a caretaker at home to her elder sister, ultimately sacrificing her own mental and physical health. She managed, despite living in circumstances that were not her first choice to create pockets of joy for herself. But, I wonder how could her life and everyone else’s by association have been different had she chosen to follow her own path instead of going back home to be ”good.” Instead of pockets of joy, imagine the exponential joy and generosity she could have given and received had she been able to fully live her own version of life. She was a role model to many of us and we unconsciously choose things in our own lives influenced by her example. Everything has ripple effects.
As women we have been taught to be good. Money strategist, Allyson Byrd, defines being good as being compliant and conforming. I believe that to be true. If you were to ask my aunt if she led a happy life I am sure she would have said yes with resignation in her voice. She traded her life to be a martyr to the needs and wants of other people. She traded her power and her passion to be “good.”
How many of us do that? How many of us trade our true selves and desires for the reward of being seen as “good” in someone else’s eyes? A woman in my Aunt’s era would have been scandalous if she were not self sacrificing.
It is drilled into each of us as little girls that as women, mothers, wives, friends, employees, etc. we must sacrifice ourselves to be the good girls for everyone else. I am a woman that came of age in the 1980’s. Women my age have much more agency and freedom than our mothers. I have teenage daughters coming of age right now and yet I realize that I am STILL unconsciously raising them to be good and compliant girls.
Everywhere we look we are told we are not good enough. It is probably half the basis of our economy! Buy this and you will look, feel, be acceptable. People are afraid of powerful women. Unfortunately, that is just bad marketing. Women who own their own power raise everyone else up. To be clear, owning your own power is not the same as being a controlling narcissist. I argue that women owning their own power creates more harmony, peace and health in the world. Why should half the world’s population have to discount themselves as fundamentally unworthy?
I wonder, what are the ripple effects of my “good” behavior? Who is looking to me to see how to act in any given situation? If I am really doing all these things just to be judged as “good” what happens to all those emotions of anger and resentment I am eating?
As women, we need to update our definition of what it means to be a good girl. If standing in my power means doing what is right for me to be a balanced and healthy person, then chances are it will have a positive ripple effect on all the other people in my life. Isn’t that good?
My aunt Ladean ultimately chose her own path and her soul grew out of the consequences of her choices. We all choose our own journeys. If you know down deep inside that there’s more for you, if you know that you are choosing to be compliant and pleasing to others instead of answering that call that has been tugging at your heart, know this: it is not an either or situation. You can be both! God laid that desire on your heart for a reason.
Countless women have come before us making incremental changes so that we can step into our power and be who we are meant to be. As we step into our own power and lead authentic lives we become a beacon of empowerment to our children, our family, our friends, whoever comes into contact with us showing them by example that it is okay to be the truest version of themselves.
We will have the energy and the compassion to love and care for all in our circle that need it. We will be able to help women in other countries elevate and liberate themselves from oppression and eventually change their own culture. That is true goodness. That is the kind of good girl I aspire to be. That is the “goodness “ I pray for the courage to live.
To my generous, kind, sweet Aunt Dee Dee: I like to think of you in heaven as a glamorous soul entertaining guests, wearing red lipstick and throwing epic dinner parties. In memories of your life there was a lesson. Your influence was powerful and no matter what you did or didn’t do you were inherently good. May we all see that inherent goodness in ourselves.
All the best,
XO Beth
My aunt Ladean Gardner at a holiday party.
