Honest Reflection On a Hole in the Street

It's January 4th and I am sitting here doing a mental round-up of the past year and contemplating my goals for the future.  

I have been putting off this self-reflection because the (depressing) truth is that there might have been small changes this year and years past but really, I am still in the same place in my art life that I have been for years. Essentially, I have a pattern of one step forward and two to three steps back. I have good intentions but how is it - without making too many excuses- that I find myself in almost the same place I've always been at?

What makes me uncomfortable to admit is that though my intentions are good or the vague goals I set are good, I am actually just living out a series of habituated, auto-pilot behaviors. 

This year I did paint a lot more, I did sell more paintings (18) and I posted more. But, I did not sustain it and I allowed my usual insecurities about money and worthiness to get in the way of painting, selling, posting and enjoying it even more. 

I used to say frequently to myself "I don't want to be 60 years old and still complaining that I don't have time to do "my" art." It occurred to me in this time of contemplation that 60 years old is only 14 years away!! (Gulp) What am I waiting on to really get this off the ground and accomplish the things I want to? I am not content to keep going in the same way that I have been, because inside I am unsettled and know I could be doing more. I don't want to regret all the ideas and pictures in my head that I am not allowing to come to life because of fear or complacency. 

I think what is really at the heart of it all is that I don't truly, down deep inside, believe it is available to me. I don't believe that having this life of my dreams (successful, money making artist and teacher) is an option. I could try to figure out why I feel that way and go over all the possible reasons but that does not change anything and only makes me think that negative thought even more. Instead of reinforcing that belief I need to change it. If a belief is just a thought you think over and over again, I need to reprogram myself with some new beliefs.

This poem by Portia Nelson sums things up beautifully:

THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

I think I am teetering between chapters four and five. I am at the corner, I see the hole. I am standing here biting my nails, looking at the hole and also trying to see down the other street. The other street's view is obstructed so I don't exactly know what is down there. That's what makes taking it so scary and why I am hesitating about which way to go.

Can I live consciously in a way that will take me out of auto-pilot and down a brand new street?
Do I have the courage to try and live the joyful life I want?

All it requires is one step, but in which direction?

What are you contemplating for the new year? Leave me a comment and we'll talk!
Wishing you a lovely 2018,
Beth

How’s that Gratitude thing working for you?

Its been about three weeks since I started this little gratitude challenge and I wanted to check-in with myself and see if it has changed anything.  The honest answer is yes and no.

Sitting down and writing in my "gratitude" journal has been a good practice overall. Sometimes, my list comes much easier than others. Sometimes at the end of it I feel so happy and prosperous, other times I feel like I just phoned it in and checked the box. I had hoped this would make me feel like it is all unicorns and rainbows by the end of the month - maybe I'll still get there. 

Even though this practice has not done for me what I thought it would already, the cumulative affect is good. I find myself throughout the day noticing things or thinking "I am so glad that..." or "I am so thankful that…" I realize in those moments that two things have happened, I am in a state of present moment awareness and I am appreciating it.

Perhaps, instead of rainbows and unicorns that is really the place we are trying to get to. Being more present in life and appreciating what is already there for us. Of course, that is easy to do when you’re looking at a beautiful sunset or eating a delicious meal. "Level Two Gratitude" must be living more in the present moment and appreciating it, even if the sky is cloudy and the food sucks. That sounds hard and I am no where close to that.

Doing this gratitude practice has made me more aware of the language I use.  It has made me realize when I am negative about things. There is still room for improvement but they say the first step to change is simply noticing. So, hopefully, I am on my way to being a more positive person.

I have noticed a few of you on Faceboook doing this challenge. How has it been for you? I've loved seeing what you are thankful for. Has it changed or shifted anything for you? Please leave a comment and let me know. 

This week we have company visiting us for Thanksgiving. I am so excited to have our friends and have been thinking of gratitude related activities. Here are two, you may want to try them as well.

 • Gratitude grab:  
Warn your guests or family members beforehand if possible so they can have time to think. Ask them to come up with five things they’re grateful for. Provide strips of paper for people to write their gratitudes on. Put them in a bowl in the middle of the table. Take turns letting everyone draw and read a paper from the bowl. (This will work better with a smaller group.) Keep reading until each person's list has been read and everyone's had a chance to read. When you’re finished raise a toast to your shared abundance. 

 • Conversation starter:
Can you think of a person, place or thing that you weren’t so happy about at first but later it turned into something you are really grateful for?  It is good to recognize that sometimes our biggest blessings don't look that way at first.

Studio Update:

I continue to paint daily and work on different things. At the beginning of November, I put small Day of the Dead prints on Instagram and Facebook and told people to message me if they wanted one. I got a little over 25 requests. Many were from people I didn’t know. It was a lot of fun to make them and write on the back of each one. As people received their prints many of them emailed me a photo of where they hung it. The folks who received them seemed so happy about it that I felt blessed too. The whole thing inspired me to try and print my own Christmas cards. It could be a fun project for the whole family... I’ll see if I can get them made in time - if not you may be getting it next Christmas.

Sending you lots of love, 

Beth 

Day of the Dead print

Layest chicken painting, modeled after Ingre’s portrait of Mademoiselle Jeanne Gonin.

Mademoiselle Jeanne Gonin, by Jean August’s Dominique Ingres

Relax, You'll Be A Great Success?

How do you define success?

Today  on Lewis Howes' School of Greatness podcast, I was inspired by his guest, graffiti artist Eric Wahl to really examine my idea of success. Eric Wahl said that after financial ruin at age 30 he decided to redefine success by things like having a nice dinner with his family. That made me think, how do I define success?

Without really examining it, I define success like I think most people do. Success is appreciation and financial reward for my hard work. And sometime in the future, when I have achieved a certain financial sweet spot... I will be successful. Then what? What does that really mean? What will I do when I reach that magical state of success? Well, for me when I dig down deeper and really think about it, it means I get to exhale and relax. You have earned it, you have nothing to prove - relax.

This may come as a surprise but I don't think I have relaxed since I left college. On the outside it might have looked that way but believe me on the inside I was making a list of what I should have been doing instead or what I would do when I finished "relaxing." My wistful college memories are not of crazy animal-house style frat parties but of long, languid afternoons laying around watching soap operas. (How many men Erica Kane, How many men?)

Success is a tricky thing - its tightly tied to our self worth. I think that was really at the heart of all the volunteering I did in my 30's. If I do X and it is successful it will make me feel good about myself. That raises my self worth and then guess what? I get to take a break because I deserve it. I can be easy on myself - Thank God, because I am really exhausted!

Unfortunately the formula of overachievement = self worth = success does not bring what you desire anymore than equating success to some undefined future goal you cling to. I am not saying success is bad or unworthy. I am not saying that volunteering is bad or having goals is wrong. What I am getting at is the WHY and the WHAT of your success.

When you know what the real WHAT is behind your goal or success then you can align with the WHY. Then all of a sudden you are where you really want to be and doing something you want to do on purpose. Your action is aligned with the right energy.

When I clear away all the outward shiny pennies of success like a nice house, nice clothes, fabulous vacations, etc. what it really represents at the core is the feeling of security in which I can let my guard down and just relax. I can enjoy the moment with out pressuring myself to do something I'm not really inspired to do.  The irony of the situation is that I do not have to achieve success or do anything or be anything other than in the present moment to feel relaxed! My real end goal is already here, I just have to let myself check into it. I have been spending all these years slogging from point A to B but really there is only one point and I am already there, I just need to realize it. There is no worthiness to prove, no amount of money or volunteering will make me more deserving. There is only one thing to do, grant my self permission to do what I want instead of making the story about some pie-in-the-sky hard journey to success. 

I will now say no big deal, time to relax a bit. "Yes kids, I can watch a movie with you." "Sure Doug, let's enjoy a drink on the patio."

When you give yourself permission to live the WANT or the success how does that change the WHY? Because, then you are doing whatever you are doing from a place of purpose and love. Instead of being tired and "having" to push to make dinner or push to drive to gymnastics, you're energized to make dinner because it will taste good. You clean the house because it feels good to be organized. You drive to gymnastics excited about reading your book there. The work you do and the volunteering you do come out of love for either the cause or what your paycheck helps you enjoy in your life. See the difference? It feels better and paradoxically gets better results.

What is your definition of success? Push beyond the boat or the Benz and and ask what success really looks like for you. Is it out there in the distant future or is it something you could start to bring into your life, at least a little bit, right now?

Maybe you have this all figured out already and are pursuing your bliss. I hope you do. For me, I am just gonna go try and relax a little.

Thanks for reading! If you have time, listen to the podcast link above.
See you next week.

Beth

Complementary Chick, 7" x 9.5", oil on canvas. Available soon at my ETSY shop.

My New Adventure

This week I started a five week odyssey as an elementary school art teacher, well, the long-term substitute anyway. Our regular art teacher is on maternity leave and she left some pretty big shoes to fill. 

Its been a fun week with only a few incidents... 

One awesome thing about kids and art: the younger they are the more creatively free they are. Children are so bold, decisive and liberal about their colors and their compositions. Kiddos are all about the process and what looks and feels good in the moment.

Unfortunately, I can see a lot of the older kids (4th and 5th graders) are starting to care more about their final product and less about the process.  

When their final product does not exactly match the picture in their mind, some of them get upset, melt down and give up. 

A lesson learned for everyone (especially aspiring artists)  *Don't skip ahead and fixate on the final product. Respect the process - focus on the process - enjoy the process! *Applies to all activities.

Living in the moment, minute by minute, that's how I'll make it through the rest of the year. Trying to appreciate each kid and where they are in each moment. 

Week one? So far so good!

p.s. I get it Mom, a full week of teaching art doesn't leave a lot of energy for personal art. 

Painting a flower garden. 

1st Grade work. 

Petunia the duck, thank you #deepspacesparkle #petunia

Boxes of poems to plant in the park.